Dear Employees:
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can absorb.
Management
Monday, February 23, 2009
Management Letter
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Doctor's Opinions of the Bail Out
- Doctors' Opinions of the bail out package:
- The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
- The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
- The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
- The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
- The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
- The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
- The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
- In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Washington
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sarah Palin Sick Joke #1 (NC-17)
Question
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Answer
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Answer
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
VISITING THE CLIENTS
In my travels I have visited many corporate headquarters. I have noticed some interesting characteristics about many.
Samsonite’s headquarters is on wheels.
Everyone at Nutra Sweet seemed so artificial.
There’s a strange blue light over the K-Mart building.
Sony’s building is in a remote location.
Seagram’s building is on 5th Avenue.
The NRA building is all lobby.
Campbell Soup’s offices are highly condensed.
When I visited Delta, they lost my briefcase.
Kelly Services was in temporary space.
Only the outside of Revlon’s building was attractive.
Microsoft’s building has no windows.
DeBeer’s has plenty of windows, but they were all scratched up.
All the windows at Windex were clean, but you could smell the vinegar.
Xerox occupies identical twin towers.
Cannon looked like Xerox, only cheaper.
United Airline’s lobby was full of Hare Chrishna’s.
Dunkin Donut’s headquarters was full of cops.
Intel’s building is inside IBM.
I wasn’t fonda Ted Turner’s building.
At Casio I met the boss.
The Rolex building was a cheap imitation.
Otis Elevator is in a one-story building.
At Dow Jones you never know if the elevators are going to go up or down.
At Merrill Lynch the employees stand around and bet if they are going to go up or down.
At Pepto Bismol they only go down. And stay down.
Everyone at Intel had chips on their shoulders.
AT&T is always busy.
Baskin Robbins has 31 floors. All the nuts are on top.
Standard & Poors is highly over rated.
The layout at Hallmark has no rhyme or reason.
MacDonald’s headquarters is no great shakes.
Arthur Andersen’s has no accounting for taste.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s H.Q. has two wings.
American Express had to try several buildings before somebody would take them.
3 M’s building is tacky.
National Enquirer has many stores, but most of them are false.
The Clorex building has faded.
Descriptions of Goodyear’s building are highly inflated.
The people next door told me “State Farm is there, but they’re not a good neighbor.”
Pillsbury is in a high rise. It cost a lot of dough.
Nike’s building has no arches.
Floresheim’s building has no soul.
There were no kids allowed in the Planned Parenthood building.
Snap On’s building is on the beltway.
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’s building.
There’s this crazy dog in front of the Coppertone building that keeps pulling everyone’s pants down.
Copyright ©1994 Phil Simborg
Samsonite’s headquarters is on wheels.
Everyone at Nutra Sweet seemed so artificial.
There’s a strange blue light over the K-Mart building.
Sony’s building is in a remote location.
Seagram’s building is on 5th Avenue.
The NRA building is all lobby.
Campbell Soup’s offices are highly condensed.
When I visited Delta, they lost my briefcase.
Kelly Services was in temporary space.
Only the outside of Revlon’s building was attractive.
Microsoft’s building has no windows.
DeBeer’s has plenty of windows, but they were all scratched up.
All the windows at Windex were clean, but you could smell the vinegar.
Xerox occupies identical twin towers.
Cannon looked like Xerox, only cheaper.
United Airline’s lobby was full of Hare Chrishna’s.
Dunkin Donut’s headquarters was full of cops.
Intel’s building is inside IBM.
I wasn’t fonda Ted Turner’s building.
At Casio I met the boss.
The Rolex building was a cheap imitation.
Otis Elevator is in a one-story building.
At Dow Jones you never know if the elevators are going to go up or down.
At Merrill Lynch the employees stand around and bet if they are going to go up or down.
At Pepto Bismol they only go down. And stay down.
Everyone at Intel had chips on their shoulders.
AT&T is always busy.
Baskin Robbins has 31 floors. All the nuts are on top.
Standard & Poors is highly over rated.
The layout at Hallmark has no rhyme or reason.
MacDonald’s headquarters is no great shakes.
Arthur Andersen’s has no accounting for taste.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s H.Q. has two wings.
American Express had to try several buildings before somebody would take them.
3 M’s building is tacky.
National Enquirer has many stores, but most of them are false.
The Clorex building has faded.
Descriptions of Goodyear’s building are highly inflated.
The people next door told me “State Farm is there, but they’re not a good neighbor.”
Pillsbury is in a high rise. It cost a lot of dough.
Nike’s building has no arches.
Floresheim’s building has no soul.
There were no kids allowed in the Planned Parenthood building.
Snap On’s building is on the beltway.
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’s building.
There’s this crazy dog in front of the Coppertone building that keeps pulling everyone’s pants down.
Copyright ©1994 Phil Simborg
Simborg's "Phil-Osophies"
Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently.
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
Variety is the spice of divorce.
An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
Never repress anything but your pants.
I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
I DO understand you—that’s the problem.
Always take the road less traveled--unless it’s through Gary, Indiana.
If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
I wash and wear the pants in my family.
It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
I can handle criticism so long as it isn’t about me.
When the heart is full, the head is empty.
The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
It’s absolutely amazing how intelligent you seem when you are agreeing with me.
When your competition’s sleeping, it’s best to tiptoe bye.
You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
Being worse is no excuse for losing.
The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish everything they start
There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
Spare the rod.
The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
Peace of mind grows in my garden.
The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
Love goes without saying.
If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
What you are is more important than who you are.
Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t play ‘em.
"Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
You are where you eat.
An empty closet is the devil’s playground.
Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it.
Copyright ©1997 Phil Simborg
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
Variety is the spice of divorce.
An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
Never repress anything but your pants.
I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
I DO understand you—that’s the problem.
Always take the road less traveled--unless it’s through Gary, Indiana.
If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
I wash and wear the pants in my family.
It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
I can handle criticism so long as it isn’t about me.
When the heart is full, the head is empty.
The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
It’s absolutely amazing how intelligent you seem when you are agreeing with me.
When your competition’s sleeping, it’s best to tiptoe bye.
You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
Being worse is no excuse for losing.
The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish everything they start
There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
Spare the rod.
The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
Peace of mind grows in my garden.
The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
Love goes without saying.
If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
What you are is more important than who you are.
Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t play ‘em.
"Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
You are where you eat.
An empty closet is the devil’s playground.
Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it.
Copyright ©1997 Phil Simborg
Country Western Song Titles
Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth ‘Cause I’m a Kissing You Good-bye
I’m the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, It’s ‘Cause I’m Leavin’ You
I Got in at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2
There’s a hole in my mattress so I’ll meet you in the Spring
Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Daddy’s Head)
She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
My Kid’s as Cute as He Can Be But He Sure Don’t Look Like Me
If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find on You?
It Ain’t Love, But It Ain’t Bad
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word in Lonesome Is “Me”
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Did I Shave my Legs Just for This?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
There’s a Tear in My Beer ‘Cause I’m Crying for You Dear
You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
If I Don’t Love You, Grits Ain’t Groceries
There Ain’t No Queen in My King-Sized Bed
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
We Used to Kiss Each Other on the Lips But It’s All Over Now
Leaving You is Easier Than Wishin’ You Were Gone
Remember the Alamo-ny
Ever Since We Said I Do There’s So Many Things You Don’t
Get your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
Her Teeth were Stained but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Thank God and Grayhound She’s Gone
I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
If my Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him
I Only Use My Gun When Kindness Fails
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
I Guess I Had Your Leavin’ Commin’
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
I’m the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, It’s ‘Cause I’m Leavin’ You
I Got in at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2
There’s a hole in my mattress so I’ll meet you in the Spring
Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Daddy’s Head)
She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
My Kid’s as Cute as He Can Be But He Sure Don’t Look Like Me
If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find on You?
It Ain’t Love, But It Ain’t Bad
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word in Lonesome Is “Me”
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Did I Shave my Legs Just for This?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
There’s a Tear in My Beer ‘Cause I’m Crying for You Dear
You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
If I Don’t Love You, Grits Ain’t Groceries
There Ain’t No Queen in My King-Sized Bed
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
We Used to Kiss Each Other on the Lips But It’s All Over Now
Leaving You is Easier Than Wishin’ You Were Gone
Remember the Alamo-ny
Ever Since We Said I Do There’s So Many Things You Don’t
Get your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
Her Teeth were Stained but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Thank God and Grayhound She’s Gone
I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
If my Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him
I Only Use My Gun When Kindness Fails
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
I Guess I Had Your Leavin’ Commin’
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
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