- Doctors' Opinions of the bail out package:
- The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
- The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
- The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
- The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
- The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
- The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
- The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
- In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Washington
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Doctor's Opinions of the Bail Out
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sarah Palin Sick Joke #1 (NC-17)
Question
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Answer
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Answer
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
VISITING THE CLIENTS
In my travels I have visited many corporate headquarters. I have noticed some interesting characteristics about many.
Samsonite’s headquarters is on wheels.
Everyone at Nutra Sweet seemed so artificial.
There’s a strange blue light over the K-Mart building.
Sony’s building is in a remote location.
Seagram’s building is on 5th Avenue.
The NRA building is all lobby.
Campbell Soup’s offices are highly condensed.
When I visited Delta, they lost my briefcase.
Kelly Services was in temporary space.
Only the outside of Revlon’s building was attractive.
Microsoft’s building has no windows.
DeBeer’s has plenty of windows, but they were all scratched up.
All the windows at Windex were clean, but you could smell the vinegar.
Xerox occupies identical twin towers.
Cannon looked like Xerox, only cheaper.
United Airline’s lobby was full of Hare Chrishna’s.
Dunkin Donut’s headquarters was full of cops.
Intel’s building is inside IBM.
I wasn’t fonda Ted Turner’s building.
At Casio I met the boss.
The Rolex building was a cheap imitation.
Otis Elevator is in a one-story building.
At Dow Jones you never know if the elevators are going to go up or down.
At Merrill Lynch the employees stand around and bet if they are going to go up or down.
At Pepto Bismol they only go down. And stay down.
Everyone at Intel had chips on their shoulders.
AT&T is always busy.
Baskin Robbins has 31 floors. All the nuts are on top.
Standard & Poors is highly over rated.
The layout at Hallmark has no rhyme or reason.
MacDonald’s headquarters is no great shakes.
Arthur Andersen’s has no accounting for taste.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s H.Q. has two wings.
American Express had to try several buildings before somebody would take them.
3 M’s building is tacky.
National Enquirer has many stores, but most of them are false.
The Clorex building has faded.
Descriptions of Goodyear’s building are highly inflated.
The people next door told me “State Farm is there, but they’re not a good neighbor.”
Pillsbury is in a high rise. It cost a lot of dough.
Nike’s building has no arches.
Floresheim’s building has no soul.
There were no kids allowed in the Planned Parenthood building.
Snap On’s building is on the beltway.
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’s building.
There’s this crazy dog in front of the Coppertone building that keeps pulling everyone’s pants down.
Copyright ©1994 Phil Simborg
Samsonite’s headquarters is on wheels.
Everyone at Nutra Sweet seemed so artificial.
There’s a strange blue light over the K-Mart building.
Sony’s building is in a remote location.
Seagram’s building is on 5th Avenue.
The NRA building is all lobby.
Campbell Soup’s offices are highly condensed.
When I visited Delta, they lost my briefcase.
Kelly Services was in temporary space.
Only the outside of Revlon’s building was attractive.
Microsoft’s building has no windows.
DeBeer’s has plenty of windows, but they were all scratched up.
All the windows at Windex were clean, but you could smell the vinegar.
Xerox occupies identical twin towers.
Cannon looked like Xerox, only cheaper.
United Airline’s lobby was full of Hare Chrishna’s.
Dunkin Donut’s headquarters was full of cops.
Intel’s building is inside IBM.
I wasn’t fonda Ted Turner’s building.
At Casio I met the boss.
The Rolex building was a cheap imitation.
Otis Elevator is in a one-story building.
At Dow Jones you never know if the elevators are going to go up or down.
At Merrill Lynch the employees stand around and bet if they are going to go up or down.
At Pepto Bismol they only go down. And stay down.
Everyone at Intel had chips on their shoulders.
AT&T is always busy.
Baskin Robbins has 31 floors. All the nuts are on top.
Standard & Poors is highly over rated.
The layout at Hallmark has no rhyme or reason.
MacDonald’s headquarters is no great shakes.
Arthur Andersen’s has no accounting for taste.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s H.Q. has two wings.
American Express had to try several buildings before somebody would take them.
3 M’s building is tacky.
National Enquirer has many stores, but most of them are false.
The Clorex building has faded.
Descriptions of Goodyear’s building are highly inflated.
The people next door told me “State Farm is there, but they’re not a good neighbor.”
Pillsbury is in a high rise. It cost a lot of dough.
Nike’s building has no arches.
Floresheim’s building has no soul.
There were no kids allowed in the Planned Parenthood building.
Snap On’s building is on the beltway.
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’s building.
There’s this crazy dog in front of the Coppertone building that keeps pulling everyone’s pants down.
Copyright ©1994 Phil Simborg
Simborg's "Phil-Osophies"
Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently.
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
Variety is the spice of divorce.
An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
Never repress anything but your pants.
I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
I DO understand you—that’s the problem.
Always take the road less traveled--unless it’s through Gary, Indiana.
If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
I wash and wear the pants in my family.
It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
I can handle criticism so long as it isn’t about me.
When the heart is full, the head is empty.
The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
It’s absolutely amazing how intelligent you seem when you are agreeing with me.
When your competition’s sleeping, it’s best to tiptoe bye.
You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
Being worse is no excuse for losing.
The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish everything they start
There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
Spare the rod.
The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
Peace of mind grows in my garden.
The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
Love goes without saying.
If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
What you are is more important than who you are.
Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t play ‘em.
"Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
You are where you eat.
An empty closet is the devil’s playground.
Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it.
Copyright ©1997 Phil Simborg
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
Variety is the spice of divorce.
An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
Never repress anything but your pants.
I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
I DO understand you—that’s the problem.
Always take the road less traveled--unless it’s through Gary, Indiana.
If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
I wash and wear the pants in my family.
It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
I can handle criticism so long as it isn’t about me.
When the heart is full, the head is empty.
The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
It’s absolutely amazing how intelligent you seem when you are agreeing with me.
When your competition’s sleeping, it’s best to tiptoe bye.
You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
Being worse is no excuse for losing.
The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish everything they start
There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
Spare the rod.
The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
Peace of mind grows in my garden.
The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
Love goes without saying.
If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
What you are is more important than who you are.
Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t play ‘em.
"Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
You are where you eat.
An empty closet is the devil’s playground.
Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it.
Copyright ©1997 Phil Simborg
Country Western Song Titles
Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth ‘Cause I’m a Kissing You Good-bye
I’m the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, It’s ‘Cause I’m Leavin’ You
I Got in at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2
There’s a hole in my mattress so I’ll meet you in the Spring
Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Daddy’s Head)
She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
My Kid’s as Cute as He Can Be But He Sure Don’t Look Like Me
If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find on You?
It Ain’t Love, But It Ain’t Bad
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word in Lonesome Is “Me”
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Did I Shave my Legs Just for This?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
There’s a Tear in My Beer ‘Cause I’m Crying for You Dear
You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
If I Don’t Love You, Grits Ain’t Groceries
There Ain’t No Queen in My King-Sized Bed
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
We Used to Kiss Each Other on the Lips But It’s All Over Now
Leaving You is Easier Than Wishin’ You Were Gone
Remember the Alamo-ny
Ever Since We Said I Do There’s So Many Things You Don’t
Get your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
Her Teeth were Stained but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Thank God and Grayhound She’s Gone
I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
If my Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him
I Only Use My Gun When Kindness Fails
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
I Guess I Had Your Leavin’ Commin’
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
I’m the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, It’s ‘Cause I’m Leavin’ You
I Got in at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2
There’s a hole in my mattress so I’ll meet you in the Spring
Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Daddy’s Head)
She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
My Kid’s as Cute as He Can Be But He Sure Don’t Look Like Me
If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find on You?
It Ain’t Love, But It Ain’t Bad
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word in Lonesome Is “Me”
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Did I Shave my Legs Just for This?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
There’s a Tear in My Beer ‘Cause I’m Crying for You Dear
You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
If I Don’t Love You, Grits Ain’t Groceries
There Ain’t No Queen in My King-Sized Bed
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
We Used to Kiss Each Other on the Lips But It’s All Over Now
Leaving You is Easier Than Wishin’ You Were Gone
Remember the Alamo-ny
Ever Since We Said I Do There’s So Many Things You Don’t
Get your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
Her Teeth were Stained but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Thank God and Grayhound She’s Gone
I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
If my Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him
I Only Use My Gun When Kindness Fails
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
I Guess I Had Your Leavin’ Commin’
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The George W. Bush Presidential Libbrarary
Overview and Features
- The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
- The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
- The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
- The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
- The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
- The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
- The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.
- The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.
- The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.
- The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
- The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
- The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
- The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
- The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite
- Republican Senators.
- The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
- The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.
Monday, July 28, 2008
From Grandma Rose
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'"
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'"
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
politics
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
WISCONSIN FARM
You have thousands of cows who make great cheese, drink beer, ice-fish, snowmobile, and hunt.
They all want to know if Bret Farve is going to play another year.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
WISCONSIN FARM
You have thousands of cows who make great cheese, drink beer, ice-fish, snowmobile, and hunt.
They all want to know if Bret Farve is going to play another year.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT...WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now!
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now!
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